The short story is, I joined the Peace Corps because my dad died. I needed something to do. I thought helping others was a good way to find myself again. And, quite honestly, because I had no idea what else to do. I applied two months after my dad died, and later found out the Peace Corps will officially not consider you if you've experienced a close death within the past year. I guess they really needed to fill this position, though, because here I am.
Because of grief, my self-esteem was very low. In some cases, I turned to the wrong things for comfort. I've had to deal with some tough dependencies. I made mistakes. Not legal or moral mistakes, but mistakes toward myself. One thing I did was offend my own self-worth by letting someone treat me badly. I realize now that whatever made it okay in his mind for him to treat me this way has nothing to do with me. If my self-esteem had been normal, things would have been different, but I was doing the best I could at the time. And in a way, I have him to thank for the wake-up call for how poorly I was treating myself. I might not have worked to recover my self-esteem if it weren't for him. I think time is also healing these grief wounds. I'm grateful for time.
Was it a mistake to join the Peace Corps when I did? Time will answer that question. But caring for these kids has helped me see I still have a lot to give. I love being a teacher. I have a renewed sense of confidence in myself because I've survived these difficult circumstances. Yes, my dad died. It still hurts terribly at times. I still cry sometimes. I'll miss him all my life. But life is not over. This Peace Corps experience has given me some peace and confidence back. I thank China.
I think you made the right choice in joining and doing it when you did. I can feel from your writing, that is is giving you so much joy inside and is helping you to see the JOY in the world outside as well.
ReplyDeleteI lost my Dad when I was 25. It was very sudden and I still have not gotten over the deep pain and the hole in my heart, but I can say it has gotten easier.
You father, I am sure is proud of the life you are living.
For what it's worth, I think you are an amazing person. I don't think you give yourself enough credit. You're intelligent, hilarious, fun and strong. To top it all off, you are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWe all make mistakes. Take lessions from your mistakes and carry on. I think, from your writing, that you're on the right path. I think joining the Peace Corp was the right thing for you to do. I think it's helping with your healing process.
Although I never knew your father, I can still remember when I got your email about him passing away. My heart still goes out to you every time I think about it.
Okay so I don't really have a way with words, but I am amazed at all that you do and have gone through!! You truly make a difference. I admire that you can write about it for everyone to read. It must be theraputic...maybe I should try it! You are awesome! Love you.
ReplyDeleteWe all learn from adversity. It is true that how someone treats you has more to do with yourself than them. Since I will be reading your blog I don’t want to inflate your ego too much but you definitely seem to have it together ;) Your experiences are so enriching and you share with us with an open heart. You have a great blog going here. You did a good thing by joining the Corp. I wish I could be a teacher too, influence some kid’s life to become someone better. Keep blogging. It’s awesome to read.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great way of looking back at your tough times Becca. I can tell from reading your older posts, that you've come a long way and sound much happier. I'm sure China and your students benefited as much as you did =)
ReplyDeleteBefore thanking China, do take the time to thank yourself... you're there because of YOU and no-one else.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry your father is gone. I have no idea how I'll handle my father's passing when the time comes... is there a Canadian version of Peace Corps???
Wow, R - let me first say that I am sorry for your loss. Having lost my dad and then 4 months later losing my mom, I can relate to the lost empty feeling that comes. I can also identify with the need to feel something, anything even if it means more pain to distract you from your original pain. I think its an amazing choice to join the peace corp. I think it will change you and grow you in ways you never imagined until you move back to the US and realize it all after time has gone by. Your character speaks really loud and I think the memories that you hold of your father will help guide you when you feel lost. Try to focus on you and realize its important to find the true-you as life goes on. Dont lose sight of just "being" sometimes instead of just "doing". Giving of yourself brings a true sense of worth as you meet someone else's need. Just make sure you have someone to take care of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the advice and support. Those of you who have been through this, I appreciate hearing how it has been for you.
ReplyDeleteIt is therapeutic to share what happened to me, but mostly because maybe it will help someone else. We don't do a good job of preparing for grief in our culture, in my opinion. It's "oh you go through the five stages of grief, then you're through." It's a lot more than that.
It's really helped me to know others' experiences as they've gone through the deep grieving process. I hope maybe my experience can help someone else not feel so lost.
"Was it a mistake to join the Peace Corps when I did? "
ReplyDeleteI think you already answered that question with the realization that followed. It sounds like you are where you need to be.
p.s. What's goin' on with your blog....I see no header?!?!
Thanks for sharing this Rebecca. It was really wonderful to read. I'm so glad that I know you and for your friendship. Love-cristina
ReplyDeleteYou are fulfilling a dream and I think that you are amazing to be brave enough to go for it! I live vicariously through you and am so jealous of your courage. You are doing a great service to those kids and your dad would be so proud. Enjoy this time for yourself and be happy. If all else fails, go shopping!
ReplyDelete