I use a series of pictures like the one pictured above in a lesson about interculturalism. (The red is Chinese culture.) I’ve had to learn to react to the Chinese custom of inspecting strange things (read: me) closely.
One example: the day I got my haircut, I went to that little print shop on campus to print a picture of the haircut I wanted. On my way out a 40-ish woman who was waiting for me at the exit accosted me, asking where I’m from, what I’m doing here, etc. I’ve gotten used to people getting in my face for no reason other than curiousity (remember the cell phone salesgirl asking me when I was going to have kids?) but when I told her I was on my way to get my haircut and showed her the picture, she immediately got very upset and told me that it was too hot to get that haircut, that I should leave my hair long so I could pull it back in a ponytail, and that under no circumstances should I cut my hair. I just said very assertively, “I’m cutting my hair! I’m cutting my hair! I have to go now! Bye! Bye! Bye!” and kept yelling goodbye while she kept yelling about my hair as I walked away. No really, these things happen here. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in an episode of Seinfeld, all the time.
I know in her mind, she is being very caring; in my mind, she is the strange Chinese lady who won’t stop yelling at me about my hair. But it was okay for me to push back on her; she wasn’t offended, it’s just the way things are here. Boundaries don’t exist unless you create them yourself. So I've learned to recognize and assert my boundaries, to walk away when needed, to not tolerate out of politeness behavior that makes me uncomfortable. If there were nothing else I learned in China, this one lesson made it worthwhile. I’ve even learned to make the Chinese noises of displeasure that are so common here. I love them! But I won’t make the noises when I’m back in America. Unless I’m in Chinatown, and then, it’s on.
I don't think I could ever get used to this. I did have a conversation with my girls recently about asian people in America. It seems (and I can't say ALL of them) that a good amount of them are not friendly, happy people out and about like we are. THey just have a different demeanor in general than we do. I have tried to get used to this at the chinese restaraunts and the nail salon. (I suppose most of them are from Vietnam) I don't know why I bring this up, but they are very different culturally and you are seeing this first hand!!!
ReplyDeleteWould love to see your hair cut. so glad you did not listen to the busy body lady!!!
Chuckling reading this post.
ReplyDeleteI have had similar (somewhat) situation here. I have a stylist in the same building as work and he is really good but he only cuts my hair the very conservative, businessman style. I asked him to give me a spiky summer look and he point blank refused. What could I do? I was already in his chair with the sheet around my neck.
Somtimes I think that American women mistake assertiveness for rudeness. If we stick up for ourselves we are intstantly considered a total 'B.' I think that men know this and take advantage of it.
ReplyDeleteOh man, that would just drive me batshit... The other day I told a guy off because he was huffing and breathing down my neck while waiting in line for a cashier at the store.
ReplyDeleteHe apologized and said he had asthma and trouble breathing, and I said he could do it from two feet away instead of two inches away.
I. Hate. People.
LOL!
So, do we get to see this lovely haircut?
You said quite a mouthful when you said: Boundaries dont exist and that we have to create them for ourselves. It took me an entire year to realize his one sentence.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you pushed back. I am glad that you stood your ground. People cant make choices for us...we must make them for ourselves...so glad you knew that for yourself!
PS: I love Seinfeld and love that you quote the show too!
ReplyDeleteBBS, I can't speak about other Asian cultures, but here, there is no value in being friendly to people who aren't a part of your intimate circle of connections. It is a very different demeanor. I know they often think Americans are insincere because we are friendly to everyone.
ReplyDeleteYrautca, that is too funny! I bet that haircut would have looked good.
Marianne, I think you are totally right. I guess I'll be a mean girl when I'm back in America.
Techno, lol, way to stand up for your boundaries! I bow down.
It's Just Me, thanks for this. It has taken me a long time to learn. Perhaps I would not have learned it so well anywhere else? It's been enlightening.
Scarlet, I feel like there are some good stories behind that statement. :)