Some days are really tough here. It can be very lonely and discouraging to live in such an alienating-to-foreigners culture so far away from friends and family, to be illiterate, to experience the loss of friendships. To get through the tough times, I try to focus on goals. Here are a few of mine:
1. Lose at least 30 lbs. (This shouldn't be number one, but it is.)
2. Speak Chinese at the Advanced Intermediate level.
3. Understand at least 2,000 Chinese characters.
4. Get back the self-esteem I lost. Feeling used and mislead: it doesn't do a body (or mind) good.
5. Let go without anger or resentment those who don't want my love.
6. Decide whether to pursue the Columbia fellowship.
7. Stop judging my accomplishments by whether I am married and have kids (as my church and society advocate).
8. Be grateful for what I have.
9. Quit whining about what I don't have.
10. Find gainful employment again, at some point.
What a well-rounded list you have going on here! Good for you. Some of those seem like that would be very empowering when it comes time to check them off! Good Luck :)
ReplyDeleteI wanted to add "be a good photographer" to my list, but I'll never be as good as you! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the good luck, I'll need it!
I laughed a little when I read your list because I can tell you, goals 1, 4, 5, 7, 8 and 9 apply to how Im feeling too. So you aren't alone, though I know it feels like it sometimes. But you know what, even here, with my family n friends around I can say I feel alone.
ReplyDeleteI look at life as white water rapids that ebbs and flows, quickly. You know that you may drift down in a valley but eventually there's an upswing and life does get better. Thats my mantra at least these days, even though Im more in a valley than a peak :D
Miss you!
BTW I have faith in you that you will get through this and see the 'peak' side of life soon :)
I can totally relate to this list too. Hang in there! That's all I know to say. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteSomeday, you'll look back on all this and laugh.
ReplyDeleteOK maybe not, but try to keep your perspective open in that this is a temporary time, you ARE making the most of it and the people who love you will always be there for you, fuck the others if they can't appreciate you for the jewel that you are.
Yeah. :-)
Thanks guys for the advice and letting me know I am not alone in feeling this way. Today is a new day.
ReplyDeleteTechno, you are right! The people who care about me will be there no matter where I live. As for the others, I guess we weren't meant to be together in the first place. I like the way you put it. :)
You don't even have 30lbs. TO loose silly girl!! (as Scarlett would say) I love your haircut by the way...in the pic with the pink hair. Hang in there.. I don't know how you do it! you are a strong person. I love reading what you're up to in China. very interesting.. Love ya
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having a rough time. We're thinking about you and hoping for the best.
ReplyDelete1. Lose at least 30 lbs. (This shouldn't be number one, but it is.)
ReplyDelete{Same thing here...Still carrying around extra baby weight...Yuck}
2. Speak Chinese at the Advanced Intermediate level.
{Now that's cool!}
3. Understand at least 2,000 Chinese characters.
{Ditto here...Cool!}
4. Get back the self-esteem I lost. Feeling used and mislead: it doesn't do a body (or mind) good.
{You should feel wonderful about yourself! You're strong, smart and beautiful! There's nothing you can't do.}
5. Let go without anger or resentment those who don't want my love.
{This could help your self-esteem.}
6. Decide whether to pursue the Columbia fellowship.
{That sounds exciting!}
7. Stop judging my accomplishments by whether I am married and have kids (as my church and society advocate).
{You have amazing accomplishments! You should be proud of everything you have done and everything you will do. Don't feel unworthy because you haven't found someone you'll cherish forever or don't have children. And don't rush in to any of it; it only leads to unhappiness.}
8. Be grateful for what I have.
{Always be grateful for what you have.}
9. Quit whining about what I don't have.
{Hmm..I need to follow that advice myself.}
10. Find gainful employment again, at some point.
{Ditto here...}
Kristina: I remember thinking when I was back in the U.S. in Jan, "Hey, I can't see over everyone's heads!" I am sure our outcastness here has something to do with how difficult it has been to get back my confidence. I'm sure you'll get yours back too. There's always August 2010!
ReplyDeleteKirsten, thanks for saying that. I am chubby, though! I could stand to lose it. Scarlett is so cute. I miss you guys a lot.
Thank you, Marianne. I'm thinking about you guys, too! Wish I could see you all more often. :)
Jen, very good advice, thank you. I beg to differ on the 'nothing I can't do' part! But I can do some things, and keep trying on the rest. I guess giving up is the true loss. Good look to you on your goals too! We can do it!
You know, I look at how many people comment on your blog and (I know you already know this), but there are so many people that love you and care about you! And that care about what is happening in your world. I know you feel so far away, since you are geographically around the world from most of us, but isn't it so cool that modern technology allows us to stay in touch so quickly, and in some ways, completely? Ok didn't mean to sound all philosophical here...just reminding you that we are all here for you :)
ReplyDeleteAnd goals can be a great thing in life! Hang in there R-Fos! We love you!
Yes, I do know, and I am so grateful for it and pray for you all. And you have helped me so much over here! I owe you a lot Flo Jo.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love how it looks like I'm talking to myself when you post. :)
The Other Rebecca