Female Peace Corps Volunteers in China, Plus Cancer (Again)

When I was in China, I was asked to write an article for the Peace Corps China wiki about what it's like being a female volunteer in China. I guess I seemed well-adjusted? Ha, little did they know the hardships I still dealt with on a daily basis. It does get easier over time, but the challenges never fully go away. I forgot about it, but the other day I searched for it and there it is! My name isn't attached, but if you want to read what I had to say about being a female Peace Corps volunteer in China, you can read it here. It was interesting to me to read it again, after being home for these months. Gosh, it wasn't easy to live there.
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My grandpa has pancreatic and liver cancer; cancer sucks. I was in denial for a while about this. I think after everything I went through with my dad, I couldn't go through this again. I think I'm still in denial about it. Dealing with cancer never gets easier. He's not doing treatment, but being treated for pain. He's very brave.

Cancer, I shake my fist at you.

Saying Goodbye With My Favorite Shower Scene

I am heading out of town for a bit, not sure when I'll be able to post again. Let me assure you, I will be having a great time! However, I love you all too much to not leave you with a little yum yum.

I feel guilty for loving this shower scene, because maybe it is reinforcing gender stereotypes? But then again, the loosening of the tie! The wet shirt! The fingers in the mouth! His big, strong hands! And...now I have the vapors. Gender stereotypes can suck it. I just love this scene.

Have a great week/weekend y'all!

Body Image and Female Peace Corps China Volunteers

When we join Peace Corps, we get a little booklet about life in our country of service. Our China booklet had a little blurb about some female volunteers struggling with body image because of the cultural beauty standards of China.

I remember thinking at the time, ‘Who cares what their beauty standards are? I’m 35 years old, I’m happy with who I am. Only really insecure girls have this problem, and I am not one of them.’

But, I was unprepared for the reality of living here.

Two years later, I still think I have reasonably good self-esteem, but it has been a challenge at times to live here and not feel bad about my body, or myself. It doesn’t help that I put on some weight when my dad got sick, the result of hours I used to spend running or working out now spent in hospitals or at his home. And not taking care of my health due to grief and worry. If there is any time in your life when you shouldn’t be concerned about your weight, it is when a parent has terminal cancer! But then I come to China and get told I am too fat to shop in the dress stores. I asked a Chinese friend to help me find a tailor to get a qipao made, and she said I should wait a few months until I am thinner. (The standard of beauty here is to weigh about 90 lbs.) Most foreign men who come to China want to date Chinese girls, and Chinese men are scared of American girls, so you are almost socially undateable for two years of your life. These things might start to affect you when they happen all at once. I was humbled to have to ask myself, “How good is my self-esteem really?” (Sometimes, not where it should be.) I’m on a program to get back to my personal healthy standard I was at before my dad got sick, but these things take time when they’re done right. So in the meantime, it’s a good opportunity to think about where and how I maintain my self-esteem.

We have a new peer counseling program, and the leaders of the program are developing a wiki page. They asked me to contribute something about female volunteers’ issues and possible advice, so this topic has been on my mind as I prepare my submission. I don’t know yet for sure what I’ll say for the wiki page, but I’m glad they’re taking the time to talk about it. It’s something we female volunteers talk about amongst ourselves, but that’s a small circle. I hope future volunteers will come to China a little more prepared than we were, with some good solutions for the hard times. I hope I can leave some wisdom behind for them.

Ain't Just A G(irl) Thing, Bay-bay

Phone conversation I had today with T.:

(Ring ring!)

Me: "Hey."
T.: "I can't find the office."
Me: "What?"
T.: "I'm on campus but I can't find the office. Oh wait, is it by the bell?"
Me: "Wait, what? It's Rebecca. Did you mean to call me?"
T.: "Yeah, I meant to call you. Is the office near the bell, am I on the right road?"
Me: "My campus?"
T:. "No, Sichuan."
Me: "Oh, you mean the Peace Corps office?"
T.: "Yeah, I'm walking there now."
M.: "Oh, yeah, I guess maybe there is a bell there." (Sidenote: I've never noticed a bell, but whatevs.) "Is there a big track and basketball court to your left?"
T.: "Yeah, I'm walking past them now." (Sidenote: Why use a bell as a landmark when there's a whole block of track and courts!?) "Wait, okay, I see where it is. Bye."

My dad used to observe that I start conversations in my head, then start speaking out loud in the middle of them and expect people to know what I'm talking about, and that this conversational strategy is sometimes hard to follow. Other guys I know have said this, too. (One recently: "You use a lot of footnotes when you talk.") Although interestingly, my female friends have never noticed, or at least never complained. But apparently this phenomenon? Not just a girl thing.

(And yes, I knew he was going to Sichuan U. today but totally forgot in that moment he'd be there already. I'm not known for my attention to details.)

Btw, thank you for your comments on the video. I was quite nervous to post it. It's a bit long, if I do one again, I'll try to keep it down to 3 minutes. I might do one to show interesting Chinese beauty products.

Stuff I’ve Learned

1. Any food you eat in bed tastes exponentially better.

2. It’s okay to admit you hate camping. When I was younger, I sort of made myself believe I liked the outdoors because most of the guys I was interested in were mountain men on the side. The truth is, I like hot showers and seafood buffets and soft hotel beds, so sue me!  On the plus side, when you admit that out loud, you find the people who feel the same way. Amazing.

3. Something more expensive that will last over time is a much better deal than cheaper and easily broken. This is especially true of shoes and appliances.

4. The question is not “Are you single?” The question should be: “Are there any girls who you know think they’re your girlfriend?”

5. Sometimes what is holding us back is the fear of our own success, either because we don’t think we deserve it, or we don’t want the responsibility that comes with it.

6. A guy who wants to help you carry your bags or pay for things doesn’t necessarily think you’re incompetent or needy; it’s sometimes just how he learned to show he’s interested in you. It’s okay to accept these things graciously. And to give back. 

7. A man who makes you laugh is 90% of the way to smoochville.

8. We don’t always know what people have been through in their lives. It’s okay to feel forgiveness and compassion when they’ve let their past influence them to be someone who hurts you.  It’s also okay, if the situation warrants, to not let them have access to hurt you again.

9. First Class? Very often, worth the extra money.

10. Cheese is really, really, really, really good and eating it while you ponder can help you solve a lot of problems.

Junk Food, Plus My Fantasy Makeover

I started packing to go back home, and here’s what it looks like so far:



I left most of my clothes in China, so I don’t have a lot to take back. So hey, why not candy, pretzels, bacon bits and pudding? Underneath all the candy etc. there are jars of salsa, jalapenos and hot sauce wrapped in bubble wrap tucked inside Ziploc bags.

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So, completely changing gears, here are the deep thoughts of my late night mind: you know that moment at the end of the movie when the slightly awkward girl gets a makeover and wows everyone away?  And then sometimes, she turns around and walks away, leaving That Boy who didn’t like her enough for who she is in her high-heeled dust?

I love that moment.

(Watch from about 7:45 in this video for a great example.)

It’s not politically correct to love that moment, but deep down, I still have my own little fantasy makeover moment, where That Guy I just wasn’t girlfriend material enough for realizes how girlfriend-material I really am, as externalized by my new awesome haircut, jewelry, tight pants and sexy shoes*, and will for the rest of his life remember me as the one who got away.

It’s immature, narcissistic, and petty. I know. I blame my repeat viewings of this part of Grease as a child.  Just call me PopCulture Victim Rebecca.

*ACDC’s Shook Me All Night Long will be the song that starts playing spontaneously in the background.

Anxiety, and Being Honest With Yourself

This is difficult for me to write.

(My dad, before he died, was very open to sharing with others the lessons he learned from having cancer. He wanted people to not to feel alone. He was also a very good listener, and encouraged people to share with him things they didn't feel anyone else would understand. I'm trying to follow his example.)

Anxiety is a problem for me. From stories my mom told me about my childhood, it's something I've probably always had. I've struggled with it as long as I can remember, but I thought everyone did.

Some things that cause anxiety are easily forgotten. Anxiety sometimes resulted in achievement, due to panic, so I haven't always recognized it as a problem. Some things that cause anxiety are long-term, and not easily forgotten.

In the past, I've dealt with anxiety through medicine and self-medicating, not by addressing the anxiety itself. I don't think this is uncommon.

Just prior to arriving in China, I had an experience with another person that caused me a great deal of anxiety, both at the time and afterward. I self-medicated and used a lot of denial to try to deal with it.  All of our continued contact made me anxious, both because of the past experience and the way things were between us now. The only way I knew to relieve myself of the overwhelming, at times unbearable, anxiety I felt was to stop contact. (I could not have articulated at that time, though, that I was feeling abnormal levels of anxiety. All I knew was how painful any thought or contact with him was.) I met someone here I trusted and confided in, and they recognized that the high levels of anxiety I experience are not healthy or normal and encouraged me to seek healthy ways to deal with anxiety. It has been a long and painful road, and it's not over yet, but I've been getting help with this. No more self-medication. No more denial. Instead, mental strategies and solutions, and ultimately, the confidence, to deal with it.

The most difficult thing was admitting I had anxiety I didn't know how to deal with. And have had for a very long time. I got really good at hiding it from others. I always thought of myself as very capable, so admitting it was like admitting a personal failing. But now I realize, it's an opportunity to be a stronger person. I still have moments of intense anxiety; I don't think those will ever go away. But I am learning to manage it in healthy ways, and making progress.

There is no shame in seeking help if you don't feel like you can deal with the things that happen to you. Whatever skills are missing, you can find and make a part of your life. I can't change the past, but I can have control of my future. I hope you know you can, too.

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Thinking and praying for the people of Haiti today. Wish there were a way for me to go help. Another tragedy, it's not fair some people suffer so much.

In Fact, You Don't Know His Heart

Today I learned* that the movie He's Just Not That Into You is translated into Chinese as In Fact, You Don't Know His Heart (其实你不懂他的心). And really, that's just so accurate, isn't it?  


*I decided my Chinese textbooks were super boring and unmotivating, so now I study by reading popular culture magazines. It's slow-going, but I'm learning a lot.

Classy

Today I was walking with T. through the square near my house and I started laughing at something he said and the bright green gum I was chewing flew out of my mouth and landed at his feet. He had to do a little skip thing to avoid stepping in it. To his credit, he didn't flinch. I started laughing even harder. Just call me Grace.

How Goats Are A Theme In My Life Right Now

Last Tuesday I went biking in the countryside, and saw a mamma goat with four little baby goats (one of which was sunbathing!). I couldn't resist stopping for a few minutes to play with them. (Little known fact: I love goats! My family used to have pet goats, and they are smart like dogs.) But two days later, I was one sick puppy. Is there such a thing as Goat Flu? I am feeling better now, still some bad fatigue and achiness, but wow, it really knocked me off my feet. Hence the lack of posts lately.

And these are the other goats in my life: the Chinese "Happy Goats", aka Xi Yang Yang, a local kid's cartoon taking China (the world?) by storm. It's a simple cartoon about cute little goats who have to fight off a wolf; the wolf doesn't want to eat the goats, but his wife makes him try. All the goats have their own little nicknames and skills and they always succeed in besting the wolf, but the wolf always comes back for another try. This show is also popular with adults (the line here between child and female adult entertainment is blurred), and you can't go anywhere without facing down various types of Xi Yang Yang paraphernalia for sale: toys, handbags, underwear, balloons, jewelry, candy, clothing, shoes, etc. It's a Xi Yang Yang world, all day, every day.

These type of phenomenon are interesting, because literally over a billion people know about this show, and yet, I bet it's unknown in most of the West. (But I'm not sure: have any of you heard of this show?) It reminds me again why China is such an alluring business market: you make it here, you don't really need to make it anywhere else.

Understanding Paths

In Chinese, the verb 'to know' as in 'understand and be aware of' is made up of two characters, 'know' 知 and 'way' 道.* So in Chinese, understanding is not just knowing, it's knowing the way, or path, to take. I think this is a really beautiful sentiment, as well as a very wise one. I like the idea that a part of understanding is taking action. Understanding motivates action, and hopefully, the right action for you. 


I'm trying to understand my 'calling' in life, my relationships, and my professional and personal goals. Maybe I don't need to be so hard on myself, that I don't understand it all easily. I'm still moving forward, which shows some level of understanding. Thanks, China, for this lesson.


*道 is also the character for Taoism, or 'The Way'

The Wisdom of Male Selfishness and Crappiness of Women's Magazines

One of the new Peace Corps volunteers in my city was hanging out this afternoon in my apartment. I have a stack of English language magazines people have sent me, including girly magazines like Glamour and Marie Claire. At home, I didn't read these magazines, but in China, you read whatever English you can get your hands on. He started glancing through them, and slowly became more and more upset at the content. As he put it: "They tell you not to be insecure, but then tell you all these ways you're not good enough. How can they tell you you're not good enough, but then tell you not to be insecure! This doesn't make any sense!" It was kind of endearing how upset he was getting. He really cared that women were getting these bad messages about their self-worth. I had thought this in the past about these magazines, but thought maybe I was being overly-sensitive. They're so popular, after all.

He also pointed out: "How come they talk about men so much in this woman's magazine? It's all about how to get men to like you. Men's magazines don't talk about how to get a woman to like you. I guess we're pretty selfish, but we don't really care about how to get a woman to like us, we just think they will." (And by 'like" he meant 'having feelings for' not 'sleep with'.) And okay, this is just one guy's opinion, but he's a cool guy and a manly man (and comes from a family of all boys) so I trust him on the "maybe we're just selfish, but we already think they'll like us" message. And actually, I think that's kind of awesome! And he's right: women's magazines are crap. As he put it, "I'm a dude, and even I can see they're sending a bad message. I don't even know how else to describe it except to say "I'm a dude", that's how much of a dude I am."

(He also said the men's quiz reporting only 67% of men measure their penis is a big, fat lie. But I kinda already knew that.)

I'm Pretty Sure His Eau du Testosterone Works

So, did you know Mad Men Season 3 is premiering soon? Spoiler alert: nothing much happens in this show, it's a lot of talking, but the talking is really interesting and the 1960's clothes are fabulous. Also, Don Draper is hot in that 'you're-sort-of-a-scumbag-but-you-wear-the-hell-out-of-that-suit-and-I-love-your-late-night-shagging-stubble' kind of way. I recommend it. I bought it on the street for $1.00, but I think it's free in America on cable.

And in preparation for the 3rd season premiere, you can make your own Mad Men persona. Here I am getting hit on by Don Draper:

So realistic, you guys. I can't go to NYC without getting hit on by ad men. It's the hat and gloves, I think. (And I do actually own a hat like that, and elbow gloves. Definitely taking them to NYC.)

And you just know this guy smells like Indiana Jones in a suit: all man. Jon Hamm, I salute you. (And yes, I miss big, strong American men, why do you ask?)

Women

A few people have asked what I think about the status of women in China. First, there is a difference between urban women and women who live in the countryside. I am more familiar with the former.

1. My overall impression is that there are many dichotomies in the status of women in China (and in American culture). Women have mandatory military training, but cannot be firefighters. Girls and boys have equal access to childhood education, but I overheard a female student say that men contribute more to the world because they can do things women can't do, like engineering and science. (Yes, that broke my heart.)  Women are expected to work while their child is young, just like their husbands do. But I think it's telling that the reported response to the high rate of suicide-by-pesticides in the countryside is to more strictly regulate the availability of pesticides.

2. My students tell me that especially in the north, women are expected to be subservient to men; in a relationship, if there is a disagreement, the man in always correct. In the south, I am told, it is the opposite: women hold the upperhand in the relationship. My southern students say they would never date a northern guy, and supposedly northern guys think southern guys are wimps. I haven't heard of a place where there is an expectation of equality. Chinese women are expected to marry and have a child; remaining single is not perceived as a socially acceptable option.

3. I'll never be as good a teacher or Chinese speaker as the male foreign teachers at my school. I am compared to them, not the other way around. Men automatically have 'face' and power because they are men. Women are expected to try and keep up. I've had to accept this in order to remain here with any modicum of contentment. It's not something I'd choose, but it's what I've accepted I will live with for two years as a part of living in this culture.

4. Chinese culture is changing rapidly. I don't understand all the changes, nor do I know where the status of women will land in China. I hope for the sake of my students and all the beautiful little girls I see here that they are able to live out their full potential, whatever that means for each of them. I wish the same thing for American women. I don't think the sexualization of young girls/women and the standard of beauty that is so prominent in American culture is a positive direction; it has been a relief to be removed from this aspect of American culture. A few weeks ago another American PC volunteer and I remarked that if the magazine cover we were looking at were an American magazine, her skin lines and tiny body bulges would have been photoshopped out. We were shocked to see a real-looking woman on a magazine cover. Sad for us.

Chinese Stew

1. There are no solely left-handed Chinese. All kids have to be right-handed. Some kids who start out left-handed surreptitiously maintain the skill and are ambidextrous, but no one is just left-handed.

2. My Chinese to English dictionary (no English to Chinese) is 2,139 pages long. If I want to look up a character and I don't know the pinyin (alphabetized spelling), I first use a paper radical index to find the pinyin, then look up the word alphabetically in the dictionary. There are often pages and pages of characters that share the same pinyin. It gets easier with practice, it takes me less than a minute now to find a new character.

3. The standard greeting here is "Have you eaten yet?" This is because for so long there has not been enough food. Being able to eat is a big deal.

4. Most advertisements for Chinese products have elderly people in them because in Chinese culture the elderly are respected and admired for their wisdom. The exceptions: some Western products like Pepsi, which feature young celebrities.

5. In China, the leading cause of death for women is suicide, and more women commit suicide here than men. Very sad. I'm racking my brain thinking of something I can do to help while I'm here.

6. The word for maternal grandmother is 'foreign old woman.' According to my tutor, this is because women are traditionally outsiders in Chinese families; she comes from another family. But this is changing in urban areas in China, where girls are losing the "outsider" stigma. I wonder if this name will change.

7. The slang word for girls who lose their heads over a cute boy is 'foolish flower.' Asking someone "What thing are you?" is a huge insult.

8. My new cell phone has Chinese and English loaded, which means I can type in Chinese characters. This is really helpful for writing myself notes of character hotel names, city names etc. Also, texting in Chinese is a good deal, because you only get 160 letters/spaces in English, but 70 characters in Chinese (the equivalent of 300-400 letters/spaces).

9. I've been practicing Chinese character drawing this summer. There is a beautiful yin/yang aspect to the strokes, which must be memorized and drawn in the correct order and direction. I'm taking a calligraphy class in the Fall on my campus to learn to write characters with the large art brushes used in Chinese art. I'm really looking forward to it.

10. One more picture: our fans crowded into the window of a beauty salon to watch us go by. (Click to enlarge.)

I'm leaving again in the morning for a week or so. Take care, all!

Panty Flags

I was unprepared for the amount of panties I see everyday in China. I don't mind panties, I think they are quite cute, but I'm used to them being a private or semi-private thing. Not so here. It's one of the lovely paradoxes of China that this quite socially conservative culture displays its undergarments so freely. (It is also possible to buy panties on the street like you would a baseball hat or purse.) It's popular to say that in China there is no sense of privacy, but I didn't understand all the ways in which this concept manifests itself here. Publicly hanging up your underwear is one such way.

A bit of backstory: clothes dryers aren't used here, you have to hang your wash to dry. Most people choose outside drying and many apartments have special bars outside the windows on which to hang laundry. Those that don't have them make their own drying lines (pictured above). As a result, you constantly see cute, fancy panties hanging in windows and outside doorways. (And a lot of it is red, a lucky color here.) If I knew the whole world would be looking at my underwear, I'd make sure it was cute too! As a joke, we call them "panty flags" because they inadvertently announce where the people with cute underwear live.

Goals

Some days are really tough here. It can be very lonely and discouraging to live in such an alienating-to-foreigners culture so far away from friends and family, to be illiterate, to experience the loss of friendships. To get through the tough times, I try to focus on goals. Here are a few of mine:

1. Lose at least 30 lbs. (This shouldn't be number one, but it is.)
2. Speak Chinese at the Advanced Intermediate level.
3. Understand at least 2,000 Chinese characters.
4. Get back the self-esteem I lost. Feeling used and mislead: it doesn't do a body (or mind) good.
5. Let go without anger or resentment those who don't want my love.
6. Decide whether to pursue the Columbia fellowship.
7. Stop judging my accomplishments by whether I am married and have kids (as my church and society advocate).
8. Be grateful for what I have.
9. Quit whining about what I don't have.
10. Find gainful employment again, at some point.

What Do Men Want?

I think men and women who care for each other, whether friends, romantic relationships, or whatever, should do things for each other to show their care and concern. But, I'll admit it is sometimes hard for me to know what these things should be, for several reasons. 

First, men are different and what one guy likes, another guy may not care about at all. Duh. But, most of us don't broadcast this information right up front. So until you spend enough time together to know what they like, it's basically a blind stumble. 

Second, yeah, yeah, I KNOW what men like. It's pretty easy to play to the lowest common denominator. But, surely there has to be more than that? Right? If you only try the lowest common denominator stuff, you might never get to the second tier, personalized stuff. I think the second tier stuff is great. I don't want a relationship without it. 

Third, well, some men are just not great at giving feedback on what they like and don't like. I'm trying to remember this on the opposite end of the deal, and be more open about my likes and dkislikes. (Luckily, I tend to like pretty simple things; it's not hard at all to please me.)

Fourth, perhaps I am just retarded. Sometimes I feel like I have Aspberger's, I just can't figure out how to do things that seem so easy for other people. Maybe that's the situation here. 

To me, there is nothing worse in a relationship than trying to do something you think the guy would like, only to find out they couldn't give a rat's ass about it. It makes me feel like we really shouldn't be together. 

"You're Dead To Me"

In tonight's AWESOME episode of The Office, Kelly Kapoor tells Jim and Dwight "You're dead to me" after they forget her birthday. I love the "You're dead to me" line!  I say this all the time, usually to your face. (Steve S., freshman year of college, to me: "I don't understand how someone so smart can also be so flighty." Me to Steve: "You're dead to me." Turn, flip the hair, walk away.) I also use it to describe people who have pissed me off, i.e., "Can you believe she said that? She is dead to me." 

Now, I don't REALLY shut them out forever. It's just a more fun way to say, "I'm pissed at you." I only say it with love. And sometimes I don't even say it at all, I just give a slashing motion across my throat from across the room. With a smile. The message gets across. (Another thing I will do only if I love you is silently flip you off; I've never flipped off someone I don't know, only friends and loved ones. I have accidentally flipped someone off at church, that's how much I love doing it.)

Kelly is a minor character, but she is one of my faves. Click here for a video someone compiled of awesome Kelly moments. 

Smell

I don't like unidentified smells. I often ask "What's that smell?" (and often get teased for it), but I don't think I underestimate the importance of smell. Have you ever smelled an old perfume, type of food, etc. and had a flood of memories come back? It's incredible. I bought a sealed package of chopsticks in Bangkok and opened them at home several months later. They smelled just like Bangkok, a very distinct smell, and the memories were instantaneous.

I have mentioned here before I love the smell of men's t-shirts, so it was interesting to read in a recent magazine blurb that the way men and women smell to each other can have as much to do with how they get along as looks and personality factors. If someone smells "off" to you, you are probably not going to be attracted to them, no matter how handsome, beautiful or likeable they are.

Have you ever been inexplicably attracted to someone you know is totally wrong for you, but just can't seem to shake it off? And, have you ever known someone who seems logically so right for you, but you just can't make yourself feel it? Chemistry: can't turn it on, can't turn it off. Both can be frustrating. But maybe it comes down to smell. And I kinda like knowing not everything about it me is operating on a conscious, logical plane. I still have some animal instincts at work. That's pretty cool.

The Smell of Love
Women's Sexual Satisfaction Linked to the Way Men Smell