T. and I were talking several months ago, and he said something offhand I really liked: “One of the great things about being an adult is you get to choose who is in your life.” Such a simple phrase, but something I wasn’t always very good about implementing. My friend FloJo also gave me a talking to; she told me, "Not every person you meet gets to be in your life at all times." She said this in reaction to the 'prairie dogs', those guys that pop up out of nowhere to contact you every few months to make sure you're still on the line. You know the type. Not bad guys by any means, but, maybe I don't need to be in everyone's line? I think this is what T and FloJo were trying to teach me. But I don't always mind, this is the problem!
T. also told me that for many men, if you tell him you are unhappy with something and he keeps doing it and you still accept him in your life with no boundaries, then there’s no reason for him to stop and he probably won’t. I have no idea how universal this is for men, but it was interesting to hear his take on it.
One revelation I have had in the past year or so is realizing that some men and women, even if they are straight, just don’t seem to really *like* the opposite sex all that much. They might love having sex with them, or love having their ego validated by them*, but like them? No, I don’t think they really like them all that much. You don’t treat badly the people you like.
I think living in China and being outside of my cultural comfort zone has allowed me to have some new perspective into healthy male/female relationships. And perhaps more importantly, what is not healthy.
*I personally think this is the bigger reason.
Forgive and forget are two separate things.
ReplyDeleteWhat you wrote is also applicable to women. I can relate to it from a male perspective. So its more about people rather than about men or women. People are not good people a lot of the time. I agree with what T has said. Again goes both ways.
ReplyDeleteAs to some people not liking the opposite sex, I can see that too. People play cruel games and damage others for a long time. When you recover you see the opposite sex as ‘the enemy’. Sex and love become political, about power. Rape is not a crime of anger but rather of anger and hatred.
Guard your heart.
Meant to say, 'Rape is not a crime of passion or sex but rather of anger and hatred.'
ReplyDeletePower isn't just anger or hatred.
ReplyDeleteI believe you can have rape that is power expressed as sexual gratification, not out of anger or hatred.
My area had a Probation Department supervisor who left a long string of destruction in his wake -- for years he sexually abused teenage males who were in his case load.
Like the Catholic priest scandals, there was a strong element of power, but I doubt anger or hate came into play.
My area has pockets of rural poverty and small mill villages; less so then half a century ago to be sure. We were known back then as the Appalachia of Connecticut, and indeed when I visited a Heifer International farm that had demonstration sites of subsistence farmers from around the globe setup, their display of Appalachia was indistinguishable from some of my neighbors when I was in elementary school.
Part of the unique cultural heritage resulted in our area having an Assistant State's Attorney appointed to specialize in incest cases - to lead the effort between courts and social workers to break a cycle of poverty, relative isolation, and sexual abuse.
From my town came the only person put to death since the 1960s by Connecticut; a serial rapist and killer. He went to school with my sisters, later graduating Cornell; I served in the fire company with his father; one of his seventeen year old victims lived across the street from my home today; another body was disposed of where I went shooting as a teen. That his mother was mentally and physically abusive until she left the family is known; that he may have been sexually abused as a very young boy by an uncle who committed suicide is left to conjecture. From what I know, I can't say he felt anger towards others or was misogynistic; but he was psychologically compelled to rape and murder. Anger at himself? Was it a feeling that it gave him control, similar to the control a suicidal person longs for?
Anger and hatred certainly play a role in some sexual assaults, but some are probably born more from frustration at a situation then anger towards a person. And some are just simply abuse of power.
Matt, I changed some about the forgiveness aspect. So your comment might not make sense to those reading now, but, I agree with what you've said: they are two different things. I decided I didn't want forgiveness to be the focus of this entry. It's not a huge part of my life, most people are pretty awesome.
ReplyDeleteI have never thought about one sex not liking another. (or their own) but I can see it happening now that I think of it.
ReplyDeleteI try to like everyone...until they prove otherwise.
Great post, again!
I really like (and relate) to both of those phrases. I have a harder time accepting them though, especially when it comes to relationships.
ReplyDeleteYep. I met a couple guys like that... they might have loved their women but they sure didn't like them as a species.
ReplyDeleteMay they rot of ball cancer.
(you hear that, stupid exes?)
Becca,
ReplyDeleteI have a prairie dog in my world as of late... good ole GT keeps popping up every so often. The first time I readded him to FB and talked to him, then he was an ass again so I quietly deleted him and carried on my merry little way. A couple of weeks ago I got a friend request from him again, I clicked ignore without batting an eye. What makes these men think we are just sitting around pining for them?
I hope you are doing well. I think a long email is in order soon, I have much to tell you!!
(((((huggles)))))