Anxiety, and Being Honest With Yourself

This is difficult for me to write.

(My dad, before he died, was very open to sharing with others the lessons he learned from having cancer. He wanted people to not to feel alone. He was also a very good listener, and encouraged people to share with him things they didn't feel anyone else would understand. I'm trying to follow his example.)

Anxiety is a problem for me. From stories my mom told me about my childhood, it's something I've probably always had. I've struggled with it as long as I can remember, but I thought everyone did.

Some things that cause anxiety are easily forgotten. Anxiety sometimes resulted in achievement, due to panic, so I haven't always recognized it as a problem. Some things that cause anxiety are long-term, and not easily forgotten.

In the past, I've dealt with anxiety through medicine and self-medicating, not by addressing the anxiety itself. I don't think this is uncommon.

Just prior to arriving in China, I had an experience with another person that caused me a great deal of anxiety, both at the time and afterward. I self-medicated and used a lot of denial to try to deal with it.  All of our continued contact made me anxious, both because of the past experience and the way things were between us now. The only way I knew to relieve myself of the overwhelming, at times unbearable, anxiety I felt was to stop contact. (I could not have articulated at that time, though, that I was feeling abnormal levels of anxiety. All I knew was how painful any thought or contact with him was.) I met someone here I trusted and confided in, and they recognized that the high levels of anxiety I experience are not healthy or normal and encouraged me to seek healthy ways to deal with anxiety. It has been a long and painful road, and it's not over yet, but I've been getting help with this. No more self-medication. No more denial. Instead, mental strategies and solutions, and ultimately, the confidence, to deal with it.

The most difficult thing was admitting I had anxiety I didn't know how to deal with. And have had for a very long time. I got really good at hiding it from others. I always thought of myself as very capable, so admitting it was like admitting a personal failing. But now I realize, it's an opportunity to be a stronger person. I still have moments of intense anxiety; I don't think those will ever go away. But I am learning to manage it in healthy ways, and making progress.

There is no shame in seeking help if you don't feel like you can deal with the things that happen to you. Whatever skills are missing, you can find and make a part of your life. I can't change the past, but I can have control of my future. I hope you know you can, too.

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Thinking and praying for the people of Haiti today. Wish there were a way for me to go help. Another tragedy, it's not fair some people suffer so much.