The Girl Who Wanted Her Voice Heard

You might have heard that China doesn't allow people to express their opinions about the government publicly and doesn't allow freedom of speech.

This is all true.

One of my great disappointments in learning Mandarin was realizing no one was saying anything really worth overhearing. People won't express a contrary opinion publicly, so they don't say anything opinionated at all. Casual conversations flow about food, fashion and money and not much else.

Which is why it was so shocking when I was judging a Shanghai Education Press-sponsored, city-wide high school English speech competition, and one of the girls opened her speech in the crowded auditorium by saying, "Our hands built the buildings that fell during the earthquake; our hands made the milk that killed the babies." (Referring to the tens of thousands killed by shoddy building construction and the tainted milk scandal hushed up because of the Olympics.)

I was floored, and shocked, and nervous for her, all at the same time. People in China do not say such things. At least, not publicly. I glanced down the row of judges (I was the only foreign judge) and saw a line of non-responsive, impassive faces. Which meant they were shocked, too.

This was a girl who had to have known she would not win the competition saying such things. It couldn't be done. And she said them anyway. What will happen to this girl, and others like her, who despite being told repeatedly to silence their voices, want their voices heard? I don't know.

But I will never forget that girl.

I have often hoped that if I had any success as a Peace Corps teacher in China, it was in creating a space for my students where they knew they could say anything, any contrary or adverse opinion, with no fear.

_____

Not everyone wants their voice heard. For a long time, I did. I had a chance that girl doesn't have. Maybe for that reason alone, because I could, writing here has been of value.

Here's what I'll be doing in my future: I will love, and be loved, even more than I do and am today. I will reunite with treasured close friends and make new ones and see where life takes us. I will find the place I can settle down and feel at home. I will struggle, as we all inevitably do, and I will find joy. As Robert Frost said: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

Three Little Words, Two Words For You, One Word For Me

From Robert Frost:

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

In a few hours I leave Chongqing for good. (I'm not leaving alone; I have an understanding shoulder to cry on as we pull away from the city, should the need arise.) I'm embracing Robert Frost's words today.

To all of you who have been faithful supporters of me the last two years: THANK YOU! I could not, and I mean this literally, could not have done it without you. I can't express adequately the love and admiration I have in my heart for you.

And one word for me: love. In the last few years, I've learned that in the end, it really, truly is only love that matters. Most of all, I take home with me a lot of love, and for that, I am grateful.

This blog is not over! I have so many more things to share about my experience in China, things I am too overwhelmed now to write about with any sense of eloquence. But as soon I am settled at home and more or less awake, I'll resume posting and reading.

As we say here: 再见！

Smiles and Tears: My Last Two Weeks, Plus A New Video

I'm home from my trip, and it was legendary! I wish I could get more into it now, but it will need to wait a few weeks.

I'm fluctuating between being really excited to spend time in America with my friends and family and Target and lots of tacos, and emotional upheaval at leaving this place that has become my home, and the people who have become some of my closest friends and loved ones. Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm sort of on the verge of tears all the time. I don't want to leave. I don't know how to be an American right now. I'm afraid of not fitting in there anymore. I know it'll come back to me, but I'm as nervous about going back to America as I was to come to China. Human beings are funny.

So I hope you will bear with me the next few weeks. I have so many more things to say about China, I hope you'll keep reading for a while!

Today I made this video. Some of these pictures you have seen, some will be new. It's a nice time capsule of the people I've grown to love here in China. I hope you enjoy it. If the embed isn't working, you can click here to see it.

Love in the Peace Corps, plus Manhattan Solstice

An interesting thing about the Peace Corps: a lot of people fall in love while serving. With each other. I didn't realize how many long-term relationships are formed between people serving in the Peace Corps, but I think it's pretty cool. After all, you're throwing a group of people together who probably have similar goals of helping others, who like adventure and traveling, and maybe even have similar life goals as far as work, schooling etc. It makes sense so many people would feel a strong connection. And you get to see them living life in action in a way you usually don't if you meet a guy in a bar, or wherever. You get a good feel for their character. I've been a poor judge of character in the past, blinded by whatever it is we get blinded by. But being here has helped me recover my discerning eye.

This picture was taken earlier this month on "Manhattan Solstice," the one day a year when the sun lines up with the Manhattan city blocks running east to west. Pretty cool! I love Manhattan, and NYC in general. Pretty much the only reason I'm considering applying to the Columbia/Peace Corps fellowship program at Columbia U. is the chance to live there for a bit. I could follow in my cousin's footsteps of living dirt poor in Washington Heights while going to Columbia, just like he wanted. Yay!

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